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It’s Saturday Afternoon (12:23 P.M - to be exact) and I’m definitely in my feelings. I know part of it is my harmonies and another part of it is my mental health. This past week was something to celebrate. I got a new job, pregnancy is progressing, and yet: I still feel alone.
Although I am married and I love my Husband dearly, I still feel as though some stuff I go through alone. I wish he understood this part about me and my personality. I’m not perfect but I’ve come to realize that I don’t feel like fighting anyone - hence the biggest reason why I really want to be left alone most times.
I was never like This. I use to be very social, outgoing, and never afraid to be myself. I feel like the past 8 years: I have totally changed. I guess you can say that Law School really messed me up. There were so many lonely nights And moments. I’m approaching 18 weeks of pregnancy and all I can think about is getting my child here safely. I know when the baby comes I won’t be lonely anymore. I cry as I type this because I feel I can have someone to play with and a tiny human being that I can connect with and protect. I’m reality, my child saved me. I can’t put into words how the friends and family I have in my life I don’t really want near me because I’ve been use to them not truly being there for Me. In my darkest of moments I found myself struggling with alcohol abuse just to cope so that I didn’t feel guilty for missing the holidays, the birthdays, and then extending myself Just to be thought if. If I ever wanted to just be near anyone I always had to pay to go see them or them to come see me. I would have to ask for some type of friendship, family, and belonging in general.
Ive thought about everyone else except myself and now im at the point where I don’t even want to interact. My husband works all the time and just to get time with him is hard due to his work schedule. But there are moments where I truly need him. Instead, I have to always remind of important things like bills and other matters we have to attend to for our growing family and living sustainability. Rather than fight, I choose not to. I argue and fight for a living - I’m a lawyer. So I just tell him and everyone else in my life that they win - when it comes to expressing myself. Lately I have just been silent. I don’t extend myself to calling anyone And I don’t beg for anything.
this feeling is the worst because the only thing that brightens my day is the baby that I’m carrying. I’ve always told myself that when the time comes for others to want to be in my circle: it will already be too late.
mat one point I was screaming. Screaming to be seen. and now I just don’t want to be at all. Maybe that is the price I pay for becoming the woman I’ve chosen to become. I speak for others but I’ve stopped speaking for myself.
Always here! I understand because my old hobbies are faded too. I noticed now that even if I don’t find something that I would be interested in, I go for walks. Fresh air is the best. It helps me clear my mind and it makes me feel good. One day at a time.💕
Hi. I’m sorry for my late response. Congrats on the new job. I use to feel just like this. I used to feel alone in all of my family/ friend relationships as well. My husband works all the time as well. And I use to hate complaining about feeling lonely because the bills had to be paid. I couldn’t ask my family for help either because they had to work. Most of my friends moved out of the state. And the friends I do have here, well you know life be happening. So I was with my kids all day and as much as I love being a mom. I too need a break sometimes. I just wanted to scream. But I learn in therapy that you have to use your voice, no matter how uncomfortable it may make the other person feel. It doesn’t have to turn into an argument. You just have to make sure that your feelings are heard. We get so wrapped up in routines to the point where we lose sight of our own personal goals/feelings. Communication is key. Also, my therapist expressed that I should find a hobby that I would like to do by myself or with the kids so that way I wouldn’t have to constantly think about how lonely I am. It’s hard not to think all the time when you are alone but if you start finding different things to do, I realized that I don’t have to be so heavy in my thoughts. I Pray and ask God to comfort me in those moments where i am feeling full of emotions. Continue to pray 🙏🏼 🤗