Loneliness At It’s Finest

It’s Saturday Afternoon (12:23 P.M - to be exact) and I’m definitely in my feelings. I know part of it is my harmonies and another part of it is my mental health. This past week was something to celebrate. I got a new job, pregnancy is progressing, and yet: I still feel alone.

Although I am married and I love my Husband dearly, I still feel as though some stuff I go through alone. I wish he understood this part about me and my personality. I’m not perfect but I’ve come to realize that I don’t feel like fighting anyone - hence the biggest reason why I really want to be left alone most times.

I was never like This. I use to be very social, outgoing, and never afraid to be myself. I feel like the past 8 years: I have totally changed. I guess you can say that Law School really messed me up. There were so many lonely nights And moments. I’m approaching 18 weeks of pregnancy and all I can think about is getting my child here safely. I know when the baby comes I won’t be lonely anymore. I cry as I type this because I feel I can have someone to play with and a tiny human being that I can connect with and protect. I’m reality, my child saved me. I can’t put into words how the friends and family I have in my life I don’t really want near me because I’ve been use to them not truly being there for Me. In my darkest of moments I found myself struggling with alcohol abuse just to cope so that I didn’t feel guilty for missing the holidays, the birthdays, and then extending myself Just to be thought if. If I ever wanted to just be near anyone I always had to pay to go see them or them to come see me. I would have to ask for some type of friendship, family, and belonging in general.

Ive thought about everyone else except myself and now im at the point where I don’t even want to interact. My husband works all the time and just to get time with him is hard due to his work schedule. But there are moments where I truly need him. Instead, I have to always remind of important things like bills and other matters we have to attend to for our growing family and living sustainability. Rather than fight, I choose not to. I argue and fight for a living - I’m a lawyer. So I just tell him and everyone else in my life that they win - when it comes to expressing myself. Lately I have just been silent. I don’t extend myself to calling anyone And I don’t beg for anything.

this feeling is the worst because the only thing that brightens my day is the baby that I’m carrying. I’ve always told myself that when the time comes for others to want to be in my circle: it will already be too late.

mat one point I was screaming. Screaming to be seen. and now I just don’t want to be at all. Maybe that is the price I pay for becoming the woman I’ve chosen to become. I speak for others but I’ve stopped speaking for myself.