4 Years Later…

Today we lost Kemi 4 years ago. It’s crazy because some people would tell me that the pain gets better with time. I feel that the pain gets worse. I think about what happened every day. But every year when the 4th comes, I get really bad flashbacks in my sleep. It is so bad to the point where I barely get any sleep. Everything that happened that day haunts me. I feel like I could’ve done more for her. When they were working on Kemi and myself, I watched my husband leave my side and walk out the room. I knew he was scared but I could not understand why he left my side. I heard the doctors saying they could not stop my bleeding. I was in shock, but I just kept telling myself we was going to be ok. In that moment, I felt abandoned. It was like he gave up on us. My mom came to my side and rubbed my head until they were able to stop the bleeding. I couldn’t even be with Kemi long in the nicu because I ended up having diarrhea from all the medicine they gave me to stop the hemorrhaging. I feel horrible that I was afraid to see my baby take her last breath. My mom did not want her to die alone so she held Kemi in her arms until she passed. Lastly, we didn’t even have the money to bury Kemi. My gramps had to bury my baby. I was so shamed. I never felt so low, so horrible in my life. Burying my baby was the hardest thing I ever had to do. When I got pregnant, I never thought that I would have had to go through what I have experienced. I always strive to be the best parent that I could be. But after that day, I could not even see myself as a good person. It took a while to get stronger. I will never get over losing Kemi. I have learned to just continue to live life and remember the time I had with her. I thank God always because before everything went left, I was able to see my baby alive, kiss her, and tell her that I love her.