Before It All... Becoming....

I know this probably should have been one of my first blog posts, but here I am. Every story that I am telling you all, has impacted me in many ways. It was a journey for me to even become a mother. I do not call Kedar my rainbow baby because he is a miracle to me. God blessed me with him when I least expected it. Between the ages of 19-21 are supposed to be the fun years. When I reached that stage of my life, it was the most stressful. I was still finding myself. I was depressed. I got caught up in situations that I knew I should not have been in. It really was affecting my overall day to day functions. I had irregular bleeding that no doctor had an explanation for. Doctors have said that even though I could get pregnant, I probably will not be able to carry kids. I have heard that I was premenopausal. I have had 2 miscarriages in between those ages. My babies only lasted up to 7-8 weeks. I know I was really young, but it really hurt me because I felt like in those moments of my life, I did not love myself at all. I did not deserve to be loved. Believe it or not, I just wanted someone to love and to feel genuinely loved by someone else. At that time in my life I felt becoming a mom would help fill those voids. Prayer and therapy really helped me in those moments where I was in a negative space.

I have known my husband pretty much all my life. It took us a long time to get it right. It was not until we turned 22 when we decided to be more serious. We loved each other, we just never gave US a real fair chance at love. When I did, it was the best decision I have ever made. Before we found out that we were pregnant with Kedar, the last miscarriage we had really took a toll on me. I was excited because I had so much hope that this time would be different. I was in a different space in my life and I was happy. When I arrived at the doctor, they shared that I had blighted ovum. Blighted ovum is when you have a sac and there is no baby in it. The doctor explained that we should wait it out because sometimes babies develop and some women end up having successful pregnancies/deliveries. So I waited it out and as I kept going to the doctor, the sac kept shrinking. Every visit was just draining because there was never good news. Eventually the sac passed and here I was again taking another L. I gave up. In my mind I was guessing that it was not meant for me to become a mom.

I continued my regular schedule. Months later, I found out I was pregnant. I did not know what to think because I did not know what to expect. When I arrived at the doctor there was a baby. My pregnancy went pretty well. I did have gestational hypertension, but I was confident that Kedar was going to be great. As happy as I was, I did experience some shame during my pregnancy. I was not married and not stable enough to live on my own yet. I did not have much of anything. I had a job, but it was not enough to make it out on my own with a baby. My husband was working, but we could not save as much as we would have liked. He had to help his mom out with bills. Home was hell. It was hard staying somewhere where the people that love you most are not even wishing you well. My mother would always remind me that I was a BABY MOTHER, nothing more, nothing less. I was not even surprised that she would even say something so harsh. Even through my struggles, I held my head high. God was in control.

My due date was February 26th. The doctor sent me straight to the hospital for an induction on the 13th because my bIood pressure was so high. It was All Star Weekend. I remember it well because the doctors were in my room watching the game with us while I was in labor. I was in labor for 3 days. The contractions started and I was sure that Kedar was coming on Valentine's Day. That was not the case, the contractions stopped. I was just laying there watching the game. I caught a fever and I did not know why. I was getting so restless. The next morning, my contractions picked up and Kedar made his arrival. I thank God that we were both healthy and alive. I was so overjoyed. This was the beginning for my husband and I. God brought Kedar into my life at the right time. Months after Kedar was born, I went back to work and I moved out with my husband. We were a family. I really wanted to be a better person and a great mother. Kedar coming into my life brought out the best in me.