Feeling Alone

During my time of grief, I had a great support system. When we loss Kemi, my family and friends was there for me every step of the way. I truly appreciated all the love and prayers I recieved, but I still felt alone. At times I felt like everyone had their own way of getting through what happened instead of trying to check on me. After awhile I began to step outside of myself. There was a point where I was thinking that maybe I was being a little too selfish. I was spending way too much time feeling like this was my experience. I understand that no one wants to see a family member go through this kind of situation. Everything was so unexpected. It affected everyone around me. It was so bad that I could not even vent to the anyone because they did not want to talk about it at all. Then there are those relatives that I do not have relationships with that I felt should have reached out. My relationship with my biological father is very estranged. It has been like this all my life. I really thought that he would have contacted or visited me while I was at the hospital. As usual, I did not hear from him at all. He did not even think to come and hold my hand or sign the book at the funeral home. As a child, he has always made feel like I never existed. I just thought that he would show some compassion since this was the lowest I have ever been in my life. I received a text from him 2 months after I buried Kemi. He act like nothing happened at all. I could always count on him to make me feel so small. I kept asking myself questions. Should I be angry? What did I have to do for people to see me? My feelings? Is it wrong to feel this way? This happened to me. It was my baby that this happened to. I did not know how to comfort people around me or outside of my circle. All I saw was myself. I spoke to God everyday asking for guidance and healing. I know everyone has a certain way of processing things. I just continued to work on myself and love on my circle of family and friends through my grieving process. As for the people that did not reach out, I forgave them. I was already dealing with so much and I was not going to let anyone get the best of me. I let go and let God. Forgiveness was for myself.

#notalone