Guilt. Why me?

Yes, I have experienced guilt. I always saw myself being a mother when I was a child. When I finally became a mom, I never thought I would have to bury my baby. It literally was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I would hear stories about other women and I would say a prayer for them. But when my situation happened, I was in shock. The doctors were working on the both of us at the same time. I was not sure if I was going to make it or not because I heard the doctors saying that they could not stop my bleeding. Through the grace of God, it stopped. There was so much negligence done that day, but I was sure that Kemi would be ok. She had loss too much oxygen to the brain. She was on a machine to help her breathe. The doctor explained to my husband and I that she only would have had a 1% chance of being a normal baby. If she made it through, she would probably never walk, talk, eat on her own, or would have cerebral palsy. We had the option to keep her on or off the machine. I was afraid to even see her because I did not know what I was looking at. One nurse gave me the strength to go to the nicu. When I got there, I saw that all the other baby oxygen levels were high. Kemi’s oxygen level was at 40. As tears rolled down my face I knew she was suffering. I held her and kissed her. I told her that I loved her so much and that I was so sorry. I just did not understand why all of this was happening. I kept hearing my mother in my head saying not to question God. She would always tell me that as a kid but on that day it was so hard to not question things. I felt so guilty about my decision. I thought I did a bad thing by taking her off the machine. It is hard when someone else‘s life is in your hands. It really hurt me to see her that way. I was so afraid. My mother held her until she took her last breath. My life was saved and there was nothing nobody could’ve done to help her. It was the worst day of my life. After we buried her, I felt so empty. I wondered what life would have been like if I kept her on the machine. I had so many thoughts and outcomes in my mind. I continued to pray and ask God for comfort. As the days went on, I began to gain strength and understanding. As painful as it was for me to experience this, I stopped questioning myself. I prayed for a healthy girl and safe delivery. God answered my prayers. I was overlooking my blessing. I was blessed to deliver her safely. She was alive and healthy before things went downhill. I am alive and well to share my story. A lot of women are not able to have those moments.

#notalone