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It felt like everything was finally coming back together in my life. I knew that things were not the same as they used to be, but I was excited for this new chapter in my life. Just when I felt like I lost everything, God was blessing me with more than I could ever imagine. I was healthy, my marriage was getting better, I was financially stable, I was back at work, and my pregnancy was easy this time. All of the issues that I have experienced in the past were gone. I prayed to be preeclampsia free the moment I found out I was having my rainbow baby. I had gestational hypertension with Kedar and preeclampsia with Kemi. Preeclampsia takes such a toll on your body and I could not bear to be in that position again. After losing Kemi, I began to feel like all good moments do not last forever. I could not help to think since everything was perfect, what would happen next? As days passed by, I kept thinking something was going to happen to me. My mom would come over and I would tell her that I felt lightheaded and she would just tell me to drink water. My doctor would tell me to speak with a therapist. For some reason I never thought of even speaking to someone. I come from a christian home. My mother would always tell me that I do not need a therapist, I got God on my side. That is what I kept doing. I was reading my bible, scriptures, and talking to God everyday.
Eventually, we decided that it was best that I stop working. We ended up not having anyone to pick up Kedar from school. Our babysitter moved to another state. I loved my job. But I felt like it worked out because I was going to have to go back on leave anyway to have the baby. Once I quit my job to stay home full time, I felt a little relieved. When I was working during my last pregnancy, it caused so much stress on my body. I was working in dental sales and it got pretty hectic at times. I was glad that I was able to just rest my body. It was the beginning of my second trimester and I was really trying to make sure that the baby and myself were okay. The first day at home, the feeling of something happening to me started to come back. So many thoughts were coming to my mind. Different scenarios were popping up in my head. My doctor at the time referred me to another one of her colleagues because she was closing her practice. I was so angry because I just got accustomed to this doctor. She discovered that I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). Plus, she was African American and I knew she was giving me and my baby the proper care that we needed. When I started going to my new doctor, it was the best thing I have ever done. Not only is she a woman of color, but she also specializes in working with women that have trauma related pregnancy experiences. She always ran a number of tests just to make sure that I was overall doing okay. She explained to me that my iron was a little low, and that is why I would always feel lightheaded. Lastly, she could not express enough that I needed a therapist. She felt like I was suffering from anxiety really bad. I would bug her literally about everything. I was scared that something was wrong all the time. I did not want what happened the last time to happen again.
My pregnancy continued on and I still did not see a therapist. Why? I guess I was scared to confront the pain and grief that I was still going through. I prayed everyday to erase my fears and negative thoughts. I tried to keep myself busy so that I would not have to stress so much about things beyond my control. I made sure I went all out for this pregnancy. It was different and it was my rainbow baby. I made sure that I had a gender reveal, photo shoot, gave a party for Kemi to celebrate her life, and had a little gathering to celebrate our rainbow baby arrival. God blessed us with another girl. I knew the perfect name to give her. All of my kids names start with the letter K. In the bible, Job had everything and lost it all. Although he lost everything, he gave his complete trust to God. He was blessed abundantly. God blessed him with 3 daughters. One of his daughters name was Keren-Happuch. I dropped Happuch and kept the name Keren. God is so good. Through all the fear and anxiety that I had, I kept my faith and trust in God. I had a second chance. I could not wait for my baby girl to get here. God always blesses us not when we want, but at the right time.
I was due September 23rd. I was delivering at a different hospital this time. My doctor felt that it was best to induce me the night of September 10th. She was born the next day on the 11th in the afternoon. It was the most painful, easiest delivery. It was just my husband and I in the room for Keren's birth. I did not think my mother could handle being in the delivery room again since she was with us with Kemi. We let her keep Kedar at home. The staff knew everything we had been through. They were so nice and attentive to the baby and myself. When Keren was born, we were all literally crying in the room. It was perfect. To be honest, I was not too excited about giving birth on 9/11. It is a sad day for a lot of people who have lost a loved one. It is crazy because God has a way of showing us things. Independence Day (July 4th) is literally the best/worst day of my life, but for others it is a fun day. September 11th is a sad day for people. The bombing of the twin towers really impacted people in many different ways. I was so traumatized by that day. Now that I am an in this stage of my life, I look at 9/11 differently. I kind of tune out that it is a sad day for people because it is one of the best days of my life.
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